Have you ever loved or held on to something that could kill you?

On Thursday May 16, 2019 I found out that I was 5 weeks pregnant. Although it wasn’t planned, it was a happy surprise to my husband and I. In the midst of us celebrating, I had a suspicion that this wasn’t the real thing, that something would go bad or I wouldn’t carry it to term – don’t ask me why or how but I felt it to the point of tears. I prayed about it and decided that it must have been the enemy or me worrying for nothing. I spent the weekend praying and speaking life into my seed. I began to accept the gift of life and even shared it with our parents. I made the decision to keep this moment private, partially because I really desired to keep the first moments sacred and also out of self-preservation in case things didn’t work out.

You want to know if something is killing you? Check your levels.

God left us a tool to gauge if relationships, positions, places, people, miracle edge drops and everything else is really beneficial for us spiritually and physically. In Matthew 7:16-20 it talks about trees and the fruit that it bears. Essentially a tree is measured by the type of fruit that it produces. If the tree is good (planted in good soil, receiving adequate nutrients, basking in the light) then it produces good fruit (adds to you, reproduces). If a tree is bad (not rooted in the right things, lacking nutrients, not receiving enough sunlight) then it does not produce. In fact, it doesn’t produce fruit at all. Think about it, we measure productivity and effectiveness by what it produces.

With pregnancy, the growth of the seed is measured and monitored by checking the Hcg (hormone levels) in your blood. During a normal pregnancy, your levels range from 5 and can increase up to 288,000 with the hormone level doubling every 48 hours. The second way to check the progress of a pregnancy is to get an ultrasound which includes a topical part as well as an internal aspect. Typically ultrasounds aren’t performed until after 6 weeks when you can hear the heartbeat or see the sac. Think about it, we measure productivity and effectiveness by what it produces.

By Wednesday, my levels had only increased by 9 in 5 days. During my ultrasound, there was a mass on the left side but nothing in my uterus. Imagine hearing, “There is nothing in your uterus.” What my body thought was a normal pregnancy, was an ectopic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy occurs when the fetus grows outside of the uterus in the fallopian tube. The danger in an ectopic pregnancy is that if left untreated, the sac could grow and rupture the fallopian tube which could result in bleeding in the abdomen and the lost of a fallopian tube that could ruin the chances of having another pregnancy.

The thing that I prayed for, asked God to grow and take care of, was the same thing that could have killed me. The crazy part about it is that my body couldn’t tell the difference between a normal pregnancy and an ectopic pregnancy. I experienced all of the normal symptoms of fatigue, sore and swollen breasts, morning sickness, food sensitivity and even gained a few pounds. What saved me and my fallopian tubes is following my intuition and constantly advocating for my levels to be checked. If you thought this post was only a warning about ectopic pregnancy then you have missed it.

How do you know the difference between what could kill you or what will grow you?

We cannot assume that we have the ability to decipher naturally what is beneficial to us and what is harmful. If my own body couldn’t tell the difference, what makes you think that you can? You have to ask yourself the hard questions.

What is it that you are holding onto that is detrimental to your growth? It could be a job, location, relationship, a mental space, anger or even a gift that needs to be evaluated. What is it that you have an uneasy feeling about that needs to change? God gave us a measuring tool and it’s time to use it! Look at one of the areas mentioned and ask yourself:

• Are you growing spiritually from it?
• Is it a good place for you to grow?
• Is it taking away from you more than adding to you?
• Are you basking in the sunlight?
• Are you ignoring a feeling that something isn’t right?
• Most importantly, are you the one stopping yourself from growing?

The thing that I prayed for, asked God to grow and take care of, was the same thing that could have killed me.

The Hard Part

What has been the hardest thing for me is dealing with the aftermath. Even after the ectopic pregnancy was treated, it took at least a week for my body to feel normal again and recognize that I wasn’t pregnant. I wanted to act like nothing happened but I was forced to talk about it with my job, every time I went to the doctor and every person who we told. It has changed my medical history and I will have to talk about it the next time we try for a baby to ensure I get the proper care. The thing that I prayed for, asked God to grow and take care of was the same thing that could have killed me.

After you evaluate your life and decide to get rid of what was or could have killed you, there will be some residual effects. You may experience sadness, frustration, anger, regret and even disappointment. All of that is normal and okay. Though it might be annoying or frustrating, you will get through it and on the other side is new life and growth.

The Good News: There is always life after death

Experiencing a loss is never easy no matter what the circumstances are. The good news is that God is always in control, even if it doesn’t feel like it. We have to remember that we can trust God with our sadness and hard situations. Sometimes I forget that He is a God of all and reigns even in the dark times. I also forget that in Jesus’ last moment He felt unbearable pain, humiliation and isolation on the cross. Death was the best thing that ever happened to Him because it brought Him back to His father.

“All things work together for the good (even when it doesn’t feel good) of those who love Him.”

To every woman who has experienced a pregnancy loss:

I feel you, I see you, I hear you.

“Faith means trusting plans we don’t desire. Even though we are afraid, we must trust God to guide us through this valley as we rest our minds on the promise of heavens” – Sarah Philpott